7 years...

7 years ago today we said "Goodbye" to our beautiful angel, Jewel Avery. It was a very tragic accident, one I do not wish upon even my worst enemy. I miss her every day and even after 7 years, my heart still aches for her. Time has slowly healed the hole that was left in my heart when my beautiful cousin was taken too soon from this Earth, but she will NEVER be forgotten.

To this day, I've never met a happier baby and I only pray that, when my time comes, I am so lucky. Jewel was always such a happy, smiling baby... no one could ever forget that amazing little face. It didn't matter how awful my day was... seeing that face smiling up at me always made me forget about it. It didn't matter how sick she was or if she was hurt... you wouldn't know it.

I know that God is taking good care of her and she is in a wonderful place, but my heart still aches for my angel. Please send any extra prayers you have to the Harrison family today... my aunt and uncle are amazing people who did not deserve to have their precious baby taken from them, but somehow it was God's way. I don't understand it and I probably never will but I know He does.

I leave you today with this picture of our angel.... Please don't take life for granted, no matter how crappy it may be at the time.

Jewel Avery 7/2/01-9/10/02

Gone too soon but NEVER forgotten!

Not looking forward to this...

So... we were planning to go to AR in December when our lease is up here. FAIL. I found out today there isn't a school that my classes will transfer to up there and I won't be done with school until February. So then we thought we would just stay here on a month-to-month lease until I get out of school. DOUBLE FAIL. If we do that, they jack our rent up about $300 more than we are already paying... I don't think so.

The plan now? Curtis will go to AR in Dec. as planned when our lease is up. What about me? Well I get the joy of staying behind without my hubby for 2 months to finish school. I am going to stay with a friend while I finish school, then join him in Arkansas. I am so upset about having to do this... we have NEVER been apart for more than 1 night. I know it will work out and it is for the best but it is still tearing us both up. We will be able to visit each other when we have time between work and school but it will definitely suck to go to bed alone every night. Yes, I am whining but I think I'm allowed for now.

As for TTC, I have SUCKED at charting this cycle. I don't think I've temped in like a week... I did have some crazy EWCM a few days ago (which I've never had) and we took advantage of it with some Pre-Seed so maybe that will do the trick. I haven't really even thought about TTC with all this move stuff going on. I am upset because I know we are going to lose our insurance in a few months... I am a mess.

I know this will all work out for the best and we will be back on track eventually. I just keep praying... that's all I can do for now.

Tough decision to make...

After a long talk with Curtis tonight, we are really considering going back to Arkansas. We have many reasons for this decision but nothing is final yet and it is going to require a lot more thought and many more discussions.

Our biggest and most important factor is the kids. We have not seen the boys since Christmas (well, I haven't seen Alex since Thanksgiving) and it is KILLING us. We hate that we can't be with them more often and it's not fair to them at all.

We moved to Texas hoping for a fresh start and better oppurtunities and it just doesn't seem to be any different. I wasn't all that happy in Arkansas but I think the biggest thing was our financial situation. That has changed dramatically since we moved because we both made changes in our lives and the way we manage our money. The issue wasn't the location; it was us. We both have career oppurtunities now and if we go back, Curtis can finally reach his dream of being in law enforcement.... the job is basically being handed to him now as it is. I can get back into real estate up there, which is ultimately what I want to do. I think we moved here very hastily without considering a lot of options... I wanted to come "home" so that's what we did but it just has not been what I thought it would be at all.

Another big thing pulling us back are our friends. This may seem ridiculous to some since friends can be made anywhere but that hasn't been the case. In Arkansas, we have some of the best friends people could hope for... here we don't have that. We have people who are "friends" when they want something from us or when it's convenient for them... here we have aquaintences... not real friends. There we have friends who would do anything for us at any time and genuniely care and we would do the same for them.

The biggest drawback at this point is our insurance. Our insurance with Curtis' job is amazing and if we move, we will lose our insurance which means TTC goes on hold, yet again and I REALLY don't want to do that anymore. Hopefully I will get KU soon... lol.

We agreed when we made this move that if things didn't work out within a year, we would talk about going back... so that's what we are doing. We have a lot to think about and still many more discussions. Nothing has been decided yet and won't be for sometime still... we do know we aren't going anywhere until I get out of school in February. It will most likely be next summer before we do go, if we do.

I will keep you updated...

I never thought this would be so hard!

**Disclaimer: This is a total pity party with lots of whining!**

So I had a complete meltdown last night after talking to one of my closest friends about baby stuff. He is dating a girl that is due any day now (not his baby) and he is so excited though and he is wonderful with kids but after the 3rd day of hearing nothing but baby this and baby that, I just lost it... and my wonderful husband picked up the pieces. I know this sounds ridiculous to most but here lately, it seems like everywhere I turn there are new babies or new mommies anxiously awaiting their little one and I guess I had just had enough last night.

It just seems so unfair that everyone around us is getting EXACTLY what we want most and I don't understand. I never even imagined it would be this hard... never even thought about infertility... that won't happen to me, right? Wrong... very wrong. I know it's just PCOS and I am still able to conceive but it just seems so out of reach sometimes.

And who the fuck says they will kill themself if they are pregnant?! Yes, someone said this to me last night... All I have to say to that is if you don't want a child USE PROTECTION. Don't expect me to feel sorry for your "mistake" because your mistake would be a BLESSING for me (and many other women).

I also need to apologize to my wonderful husband... I know you of all people understand what I/we am going through and I'm sorry I accussed you of not understanding in the midst of my meltdown last night. I love you more than anything in this world and I know that when the time is right, we will receive our blessing... I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. In the meantime, I have 2 amazing stepsons that I love and would do anything for.

I know I have readers and close friends that are pregnant or are new mommies and let me just say that I am very happy for you! I feel so stupid for being jealous or angry... I just don't understand. I know my time will come but I just feel like after 2 years and watching everyone I know get what I want, I'm being punished for something. I want my turn... I want my baby... I want to make my wonderful husband a daddy (again).

I warned you... total bitchfest and like I said, I know it sound ridiculous... I just need to get this out. Ok now it's time for me to get a grip and stop whining... thanks for listening if you made it this far. I will try to keep my composure... I need an outlet... something to occupy my time.

All you can do is try, try again

And that is what we will do. AF showed up this morning... I actually woke up with her so here we are. Back at the drawing board. I'm ok but I think that's because I know we are getting somewhere. I really saw a difference in my chart, and the way I felt, so I know my body is really trying to get its act together. Which means my BFP is right around the corner... We still have this cycle before we can even think about Clomid so I think we might try OPKs this cycle so I can start to get the hang of them before we do start Clomid, whenever that will be and if I even need it!

Ok I'm rambling, sorry.

Well, well

What have we here?

So I know to some of you this looks really confusing... so just bear with me and feel free to ask questions. FF says that I am 13dpo... I had a BFN yesterday and a good friend made me promise I wouldn't test again until my temp got over 98 degrees. Well low and behold, I wake up this morning and my temp is 98.29... highest temp I've had while charting.

So here is where we are now... If I have another high temp tomorrow morning, I will test. If not, I won't. I'm pretty sure my body is fvcking with me... again. I know my boobs have NEVER been this sore... EVER! They hurt so bad it is unreal! I really do think they are trying to fall off!

I'll keep you posted!

I think it's time...

For an update! Sorry I've been a blog slacker!

Ok so let's start with TTC: After much discussion about our financial situation, we have decided to put treatments on hold for a little while. I will continue with Metformin and keep charting... basically natural TTC for now. According to FF, I am 9DPO so I will be most likely be testing Wednesday, at 12DPO. My chart is looking better than it ever has before and my phantom symptoms are creeping up but I'm really trying not to read too much into it. I'm really tired of the heartbreak! So we will see what happens...

School

Me - Class #2 (of 7) if finished! I ended up with a 98 for that class so I'm pretty proud of myself and my 4.0 GPA! Class #3 started Thursday and it seems like it is going to be REALLY boring.
Curtis - He is still doing really well... working on finishing up his 3rd quarter. It's looking like he will have highest honors again so FX'd! The Dean also approached him last week about joining the National Technical Honor Society! I am soooo proud of him!

Life

There isn't much else going on around here... I have been job hunting like crazy but no one wants to hire me in my field because I'm still a student. About half the places I've talked to say "Come see me when you're out of school." gee thanks. But if all else fails, I have a meeting with the school district on Sept. 11th to be a sub for the semester, til I finish school. I have also been slacking on my weight loss so I've really got to get back on it this week. I've been thinking about checking out the 30DS.

Ok well that's really all I've got for now. Wow our life is pretty boring, huh? I promise, I will *try* to be a better blogger...