I never thought this would be so hard!

**Disclaimer: This is a total pity party with lots of whining!**

So I had a complete meltdown last night after talking to one of my closest friends about baby stuff. He is dating a girl that is due any day now (not his baby) and he is so excited though and he is wonderful with kids but after the 3rd day of hearing nothing but baby this and baby that, I just lost it... and my wonderful husband picked up the pieces. I know this sounds ridiculous to most but here lately, it seems like everywhere I turn there are new babies or new mommies anxiously awaiting their little one and I guess I had just had enough last night.

It just seems so unfair that everyone around us is getting EXACTLY what we want most and I don't understand. I never even imagined it would be this hard... never even thought about infertility... that won't happen to me, right? Wrong... very wrong. I know it's just PCOS and I am still able to conceive but it just seems so out of reach sometimes.

And who the fuck says they will kill themself if they are pregnant?! Yes, someone said this to me last night... All I have to say to that is if you don't want a child USE PROTECTION. Don't expect me to feel sorry for your "mistake" because your mistake would be a BLESSING for me (and many other women).

I also need to apologize to my wonderful husband... I know you of all people understand what I/we am going through and I'm sorry I accussed you of not understanding in the midst of my meltdown last night. I love you more than anything in this world and I know that when the time is right, we will receive our blessing... I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. In the meantime, I have 2 amazing stepsons that I love and would do anything for.

I know I have readers and close friends that are pregnant or are new mommies and let me just say that I am very happy for you! I feel so stupid for being jealous or angry... I just don't understand. I know my time will come but I just feel like after 2 years and watching everyone I know get what I want, I'm being punished for something. I want my turn... I want my baby... I want to make my wonderful husband a daddy (again).

I warned you... total bitchfest and like I said, I know it sound ridiculous... I just need to get this out. Ok now it's time for me to get a grip and stop whining... thanks for listening if you made it this far. I will try to keep my composure... I need an outlet... something to occupy my time.

All you can do is try, try again

And that is what we will do. AF showed up this morning... I actually woke up with her so here we are. Back at the drawing board. I'm ok but I think that's because I know we are getting somewhere. I really saw a difference in my chart, and the way I felt, so I know my body is really trying to get its act together. Which means my BFP is right around the corner... We still have this cycle before we can even think about Clomid so I think we might try OPKs this cycle so I can start to get the hang of them before we do start Clomid, whenever that will be and if I even need it!

Ok I'm rambling, sorry.

Well, well

What have we here?

So I know to some of you this looks really confusing... so just bear with me and feel free to ask questions. FF says that I am 13dpo... I had a BFN yesterday and a good friend made me promise I wouldn't test again until my temp got over 98 degrees. Well low and behold, I wake up this morning and my temp is 98.29... highest temp I've had while charting.

So here is where we are now... If I have another high temp tomorrow morning, I will test. If not, I won't. I'm pretty sure my body is fvcking with me... again. I know my boobs have NEVER been this sore... EVER! They hurt so bad it is unreal! I really do think they are trying to fall off!

I'll keep you posted!

I think it's time...

For an update! Sorry I've been a blog slacker!

Ok so let's start with TTC: After much discussion about our financial situation, we have decided to put treatments on hold for a little while. I will continue with Metformin and keep charting... basically natural TTC for now. According to FF, I am 9DPO so I will be most likely be testing Wednesday, at 12DPO. My chart is looking better than it ever has before and my phantom symptoms are creeping up but I'm really trying not to read too much into it. I'm really tired of the heartbreak! So we will see what happens...

School

Me - Class #2 (of 7) if finished! I ended up with a 98 for that class so I'm pretty proud of myself and my 4.0 GPA! Class #3 started Thursday and it seems like it is going to be REALLY boring.
Curtis - He is still doing really well... working on finishing up his 3rd quarter. It's looking like he will have highest honors again so FX'd! The Dean also approached him last week about joining the National Technical Honor Society! I am soooo proud of him!

Life

There isn't much else going on around here... I have been job hunting like crazy but no one wants to hire me in my field because I'm still a student. About half the places I've talked to say "Come see me when you're out of school." gee thanks. But if all else fails, I have a meeting with the school district on Sept. 11th to be a sub for the semester, til I finish school. I have also been slacking on my weight loss so I've really got to get back on it this week. I've been thinking about checking out the 30DS.

Ok well that's really all I've got for now. Wow our life is pretty boring, huh? I promise, I will *try* to be a better blogger...

Results are in!

This is going to be long... just a warning.

Yesterday was crazy! I thought I had a 10:30 am appointment with my RE to get our results but someone screwed up and scheduled me at the wrong office. So I had to go to the main office at 3:45 as a work-in and wait... I didn't actually get to see my RE until 5:40pm. But she was very apologetic for the mix-up (and the wait)... I really like her! And we will call her Dr. S now...

We will start with Curtis' S/A... everything was perfect! 97 million/ml, 4% abnormal.... everything is good with him. So now me - my HSG was all clear but my BW is where the results really came from. My cholesterol is a little high, TSH was normal... testosterone was high, LH and FSH are backwards - all consistent with PCOS. My insulin was pretty good though.

So now the plan: Well first, she gave me some prenatal samples because my PNV was making me sick. Dr. S wants me to start metformin this week... 2 pills twice a day but starting it in steps (start with one pill and increase weekly until I'm up to 4 pills). After one FULL cycle of met, we will start clomid. Dr. S is starting me on 50mg twice a day for 5 days, days 3-7. She wants me to have an "early cycle u/s" and another u/s about CD 14-17 (possibly another 5-7 days later if we don't see anything on the CD14-17 one). Depending on follicle development, I may get an injection of Ovidrel to help the egg along. If nothing happens, we will increase the dose. I will also start OPKs during all this and continue charting.

Dr. S said my egg reserve is very good and I'm at a pretty high risk for ovarian hyperstimulation so she is going to monitor me pretty closely. I'm still pretty optimistic and beyond thrilled to have a real plan!

Hm... I don't think I left anything out. Oh, other than the fact that Dr. S hugged me when I got ready to leave... totally random and caught me off guard! lol