What's this?

Just a warning that this will probably be pretty long...

1) What's this blog thing? - Yes I know I have been a horrible blogger. Things have been soo insane for us. We started our move Thanksgiving week and spent a week in Arkansas. It was sooo nice to be able to unwind! We went up there a day early but didn't tell anyone except our best friends and FIL. We were able to have a whole day to just relax and lay low without 50 people wanting us to come see them. We had a great visit and were even able to have the boys for a few days :)

2) What's this chaos and when will it end?! - Moving out of our apartment has been an adventure. We decided it would be less hectic to put everything in storage until time for me to go to Arkansas so Curtis doesn't have to deal with all that by himself. So he was here for 2 days and we got all the furniture moved to storage and I have been working on the cleaning and taking the rest of stuff to storage before school. It has just been so freakin busy!

3) What's this crap all about? - So you may remember my bitch fest about my school drama... 2 months ago, I was told I could do my externship in AR so I could be with my husband sooner. Well now that's the time has come to do all that, I have been told I cannot do my extern is AR so I will be here for another 4 weeks without Curtis. I know I need to finish this and it will make things so much better for us in the long run. *sigh* It will all work out.

4) (and I saved this one for last because typing it just might make me cry again) What's this huge empty feeling I have?? - Curtis left Wednesday afternoon to go back to AR to get his job going and get ready to go back to school. I have to say saying good-bye to him is probably one of the hardest things I've ever done. I know I will see him again in a few weeks but it is still so hard. I miss him so very much already. Honestly, I do believe this break will help us so much and will make us stronger but it still hurts so much to not have him here. I didn't realize just how much we do together and how much we depend on each other until he was gone. He is my rock and I really do love him with every fiber of my being. I've had a few pretty big meltdowns but it's getting easier and I pray these 17 days fly by!!!

I'm staying with a friend for now and I promise to try to update more often!! Sorry this was so long!

Got INK?

I DO!!! I got my first tattoo last Saturday (11-7-09) and I LOVE it!!


Story behind the ink: You may remember my beautiful angel, Jewel, my cousin who passed away at 14 months. Well, this little beauty also gave me my nickname - Insy. She could not say "Lindsey" so she called me "Insy" and it just stuck. On a whim, Curtis drew a picture one night that I fell in love with. He never imagined it would go on my body.


So here it is......

The picture....

The ink... (on my upper back)

What a week!

Well since my last post, Curtis and I have decided to cut off all treatments until after the move. It was a hard decision but I'm really ok with it... we just have so much other stuff going on, we decided it would be best. We are by no means TTA and will be beyond thrilled if we are blessed with a little miracle between now and whenever the time comes to start treatments again.

We are also dealing with A LOT of drama from his ex-wife... she is such a nightmare but is quickly burying herself and I will happily give her the shovel. I am just so fed up with her!

School is going by so quickly (thank God!)... I finish class #5 (of 7) Thursday night and am so excited. It's almost over!!! I have been getting a lot of packing done and am just ready to get this move over with!!

New cycle, new options

Well I woke up with AF this morning I had an appointment with my RE to discuss the next cycle and had my baseline u/s. We talked with Dr. S about how to approach our next (and last) cycle. We discussed Clomid and decided we would stay at 100mg since that worked last time. Then she threw a curveball at us.

She said, since this is our last cyle before the move, we have the option of doing an IUI. Neither of us were expecting this and aren't real sure how we feel about it yet.

We will start Clomid on CD3 then OPKs about CD12. I go back in for a follie scan on CD14 (last cycle we did CD15 and I had already O'd so she wants to try to catch it before O to see what we are working with). We will decide before then if we will go forward with the IUI or leave it to Clomid.

I have also been an emotional mess.. I was so angry this morning and now I've just been crying off and on all day. I knew better than to get my hopes up so high!

Oh and do I dare even touch on my insurance company right now? My dr's office said, if we go with the IUI route, it would be covered at a $25 co-pay and my insurance is telling me its covered at 85/15. Make up my FVCKING mind!!

One lonely line

That's what I saw this morning when I tested at 10dpo. I knew better... I knew it would be too early but I did it anyway (partially because of the huge temp jump I had this morning). I am just so hopeful this cycle but that one little line kinda crushed those hopes. I said I wouldn't be upset if I got a BFN this morning because it's so early but I still was.

So now I will be smart and wait til 12 or 13 dpo to test again. Curtis was so sweet when I told him it was a BFN. He said "Well honey, you knew it was too early and that this was a possibility. What if you never get a + on an HPT? Just wait a few days and try again... AF isn't here yet... it's not over" I love my husband!

Friday is our appointment to discuss the "results" of this cycle with Dr. S. If I still haven't gotten AF or a BFP, I will request a blood test just to be sure.

And here is a pic of my chart as of today...

Hello Phantom Symptoms!

Ok WTH... I know better than this! I'm only 6dpo and I'm going to drive myself insane. Everything from nausea to sore boobs to off and on cramping to dizzy spells.

I do have to say that my chart isn't helping matters... it is BEAUTIFUL. Unfortunately, I also know that even the most promising charts and phantom symptoms can end up being absolutely nothing. After 2 and a half years, I just want this to be it sooooo bad!

I really have tried not to get my hopes up too much but it's not working. I know if this cycle ends in a BFN, I am going to be completely and utterly devastated (and so will Curtis, I think)... I can't help it. I will deal with that when it comes but for now I am optimistic that we will have our July baby.

So I will leave you tonight with a link to my amazing chart... http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/projectbabyp

O has been confirmed!!!!

So I had my "did I O?" appointment today at 3 and everything looked really good. They are pretty sure I have ovulated from both sides and said Ovidrel was not necessary! OMG I am so excited! I go back on the 30th... If I have gotten a BFP by then, we will do betas. If no BFP and no AF, they will do a test in the office and we will go from there. If I've gotten AF or a BFN, we are done until after the move and the new insurance kicks in.

Curtis got to watch the whole u/s process and was really intrigued... now he's ready to go home and follow the nurse's orders to have lots of sex over the next few days. Stupid school is getting in the way of my baby making!

Well I'm off to take a test so until later... Have a good night!

So that's what that looks like!

A positive OPK! OMG! I thought I was feeling something weird earlier so I came home from school and immediately peed on an OPK. The test line popped up at about the same time as the control and immediately got darker. I am so excited and trying to stay optimistic. I will know more after my appointment tomorrow! God I hope this works!

Cycle #....

Hell I lost count a long time ago. I don't know what cycle we are on... #1 (technically, 2) with Clomid and #5 charting. Anyway, I just realized I didn't update after my last "ending this cycle" post.

About a week after that post, AF showed (on her own!) after I had picked up my Prometrium (so that was a nice waste of $25... lol). So anywho, last Friday I went in for my CD2 ultrasound and they said everything looked good and I was to start Clomid the next day (Saturday). So I did... 100mg of Clomid for 5 days. Well that's done.

So now we wait (and have lots of sex... lol) I will start OPKs this weekend and do them probably twice a day until my next appointment (which is a week from today) to see if the Clomid is working. Then we decide if we should move forward with the Ovidrel or not.

There isn't much else going on... still BUSY with school and trying to find work (I'm a substitute teacher). I am working a 1/2 day tomorrow... hopefully more next week! We are still working on getting everything in order with the move, which is approaching more quickly than we realized!

New haircut and color!

Ok so I made a slideshow of my hair but for some reason I can't get it to play on here. If you click "View all images" it will take you to slideshow on my photobucket! Enjoy!

And so it begins...

I have decided to give up on this cycle. I sucked at charting and have no idea what's going on. All I know is it's CD34 and I'm ready to move along. So... I filled my script for Prometrium today and I'll test in the AM. If it's a BFN (like I'm sure it will be), I'll pick up my Prometrium and get started with that. Once AF shows, I'll go in for an u/s and start Clomid.

Dr. S is amazing and wants to monitor me VERY closely while I'm on Clomid and there is a chance I will have an Ovidrel injection if things don't progress enough on their own. I'm feeling pretty optimistic and really hoping it only takes one cycle. We only have time to do 2 before the move...

In other news: I had my first sub assignment yesterday at my high school. It was soooo weird to be back in that place on the other side of things. I had 11th and 12th grade English and the kids were absolutely amazing!

An amazing trip!

It has been such a long few days but totally worth it! We went to Arkansas this weekend and had a blast! Neither of us realized really how much we missed our friends and family... we didn't want to leave at all. It was long and exhausting but I'm so glad we made the trip!

We got to see some amazing friends and got to see Clay for his birthday! We really can't wait to move back... only 3 months (well 4 for me) and we have a lot to do in these 3 months. We finally decided to start treatments and get at least 2 cycles in before the move. I'm trying to wait a few more days to test and if I get a BFN, we will start meds! YAY! I just pray it works one of these 2 times!

Anyway I'm not going to ramble today... instead I will leave you with some pics from the weekend.

Curtis and his boys... he's such a proud daddy!

Me and Alex... poor baby didn't feel good!

My amazing family!!

Me and Clay

Me and my best friend, Amanda!

Another great friend!

Me and Harlee Danielle... such a sweet girl!

7 years...

7 years ago today we said "Goodbye" to our beautiful angel, Jewel Avery. It was a very tragic accident, one I do not wish upon even my worst enemy. I miss her every day and even after 7 years, my heart still aches for her. Time has slowly healed the hole that was left in my heart when my beautiful cousin was taken too soon from this Earth, but she will NEVER be forgotten.

To this day, I've never met a happier baby and I only pray that, when my time comes, I am so lucky. Jewel was always such a happy, smiling baby... no one could ever forget that amazing little face. It didn't matter how awful my day was... seeing that face smiling up at me always made me forget about it. It didn't matter how sick she was or if she was hurt... you wouldn't know it.

I know that God is taking good care of her and she is in a wonderful place, but my heart still aches for my angel. Please send any extra prayers you have to the Harrison family today... my aunt and uncle are amazing people who did not deserve to have their precious baby taken from them, but somehow it was God's way. I don't understand it and I probably never will but I know He does.

I leave you today with this picture of our angel.... Please don't take life for granted, no matter how crappy it may be at the time.

Jewel Avery 7/2/01-9/10/02

Gone too soon but NEVER forgotten!

Not looking forward to this...

So... we were planning to go to AR in December when our lease is up here. FAIL. I found out today there isn't a school that my classes will transfer to up there and I won't be done with school until February. So then we thought we would just stay here on a month-to-month lease until I get out of school. DOUBLE FAIL. If we do that, they jack our rent up about $300 more than we are already paying... I don't think so.

The plan now? Curtis will go to AR in Dec. as planned when our lease is up. What about me? Well I get the joy of staying behind without my hubby for 2 months to finish school. I am going to stay with a friend while I finish school, then join him in Arkansas. I am so upset about having to do this... we have NEVER been apart for more than 1 night. I know it will work out and it is for the best but it is still tearing us both up. We will be able to visit each other when we have time between work and school but it will definitely suck to go to bed alone every night. Yes, I am whining but I think I'm allowed for now.

As for TTC, I have SUCKED at charting this cycle. I don't think I've temped in like a week... I did have some crazy EWCM a few days ago (which I've never had) and we took advantage of it with some Pre-Seed so maybe that will do the trick. I haven't really even thought about TTC with all this move stuff going on. I am upset because I know we are going to lose our insurance in a few months... I am a mess.

I know this will all work out for the best and we will be back on track eventually. I just keep praying... that's all I can do for now.

Tough decision to make...

After a long talk with Curtis tonight, we are really considering going back to Arkansas. We have many reasons for this decision but nothing is final yet and it is going to require a lot more thought and many more discussions.

Our biggest and most important factor is the kids. We have not seen the boys since Christmas (well, I haven't seen Alex since Thanksgiving) and it is KILLING us. We hate that we can't be with them more often and it's not fair to them at all.

We moved to Texas hoping for a fresh start and better oppurtunities and it just doesn't seem to be any different. I wasn't all that happy in Arkansas but I think the biggest thing was our financial situation. That has changed dramatically since we moved because we both made changes in our lives and the way we manage our money. The issue wasn't the location; it was us. We both have career oppurtunities now and if we go back, Curtis can finally reach his dream of being in law enforcement.... the job is basically being handed to him now as it is. I can get back into real estate up there, which is ultimately what I want to do. I think we moved here very hastily without considering a lot of options... I wanted to come "home" so that's what we did but it just has not been what I thought it would be at all.

Another big thing pulling us back are our friends. This may seem ridiculous to some since friends can be made anywhere but that hasn't been the case. In Arkansas, we have some of the best friends people could hope for... here we don't have that. We have people who are "friends" when they want something from us or when it's convenient for them... here we have aquaintences... not real friends. There we have friends who would do anything for us at any time and genuniely care and we would do the same for them.

The biggest drawback at this point is our insurance. Our insurance with Curtis' job is amazing and if we move, we will lose our insurance which means TTC goes on hold, yet again and I REALLY don't want to do that anymore. Hopefully I will get KU soon... lol.

We agreed when we made this move that if things didn't work out within a year, we would talk about going back... so that's what we are doing. We have a lot to think about and still many more discussions. Nothing has been decided yet and won't be for sometime still... we do know we aren't going anywhere until I get out of school in February. It will most likely be next summer before we do go, if we do.

I will keep you updated...

I never thought this would be so hard!

**Disclaimer: This is a total pity party with lots of whining!**

So I had a complete meltdown last night after talking to one of my closest friends about baby stuff. He is dating a girl that is due any day now (not his baby) and he is so excited though and he is wonderful with kids but after the 3rd day of hearing nothing but baby this and baby that, I just lost it... and my wonderful husband picked up the pieces. I know this sounds ridiculous to most but here lately, it seems like everywhere I turn there are new babies or new mommies anxiously awaiting their little one and I guess I had just had enough last night.

It just seems so unfair that everyone around us is getting EXACTLY what we want most and I don't understand. I never even imagined it would be this hard... never even thought about infertility... that won't happen to me, right? Wrong... very wrong. I know it's just PCOS and I am still able to conceive but it just seems so out of reach sometimes.

And who the fuck says they will kill themself if they are pregnant?! Yes, someone said this to me last night... All I have to say to that is if you don't want a child USE PROTECTION. Don't expect me to feel sorry for your "mistake" because your mistake would be a BLESSING for me (and many other women).

I also need to apologize to my wonderful husband... I know you of all people understand what I/we am going through and I'm sorry I accussed you of not understanding in the midst of my meltdown last night. I love you more than anything in this world and I know that when the time is right, we will receive our blessing... I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. In the meantime, I have 2 amazing stepsons that I love and would do anything for.

I know I have readers and close friends that are pregnant or are new mommies and let me just say that I am very happy for you! I feel so stupid for being jealous or angry... I just don't understand. I know my time will come but I just feel like after 2 years and watching everyone I know get what I want, I'm being punished for something. I want my turn... I want my baby... I want to make my wonderful husband a daddy (again).

I warned you... total bitchfest and like I said, I know it sound ridiculous... I just need to get this out. Ok now it's time for me to get a grip and stop whining... thanks for listening if you made it this far. I will try to keep my composure... I need an outlet... something to occupy my time.

All you can do is try, try again

And that is what we will do. AF showed up this morning... I actually woke up with her so here we are. Back at the drawing board. I'm ok but I think that's because I know we are getting somewhere. I really saw a difference in my chart, and the way I felt, so I know my body is really trying to get its act together. Which means my BFP is right around the corner... We still have this cycle before we can even think about Clomid so I think we might try OPKs this cycle so I can start to get the hang of them before we do start Clomid, whenever that will be and if I even need it!

Ok I'm rambling, sorry.

Well, well

What have we here?

So I know to some of you this looks really confusing... so just bear with me and feel free to ask questions. FF says that I am 13dpo... I had a BFN yesterday and a good friend made me promise I wouldn't test again until my temp got over 98 degrees. Well low and behold, I wake up this morning and my temp is 98.29... highest temp I've had while charting.

So here is where we are now... If I have another high temp tomorrow morning, I will test. If not, I won't. I'm pretty sure my body is fvcking with me... again. I know my boobs have NEVER been this sore... EVER! They hurt so bad it is unreal! I really do think they are trying to fall off!

I'll keep you posted!

I think it's time...

For an update! Sorry I've been a blog slacker!

Ok so let's start with TTC: After much discussion about our financial situation, we have decided to put treatments on hold for a little while. I will continue with Metformin and keep charting... basically natural TTC for now. According to FF, I am 9DPO so I will be most likely be testing Wednesday, at 12DPO. My chart is looking better than it ever has before and my phantom symptoms are creeping up but I'm really trying not to read too much into it. I'm really tired of the heartbreak! So we will see what happens...

School

Me - Class #2 (of 7) if finished! I ended up with a 98 for that class so I'm pretty proud of myself and my 4.0 GPA! Class #3 started Thursday and it seems like it is going to be REALLY boring.
Curtis - He is still doing really well... working on finishing up his 3rd quarter. It's looking like he will have highest honors again so FX'd! The Dean also approached him last week about joining the National Technical Honor Society! I am soooo proud of him!

Life

There isn't much else going on around here... I have been job hunting like crazy but no one wants to hire me in my field because I'm still a student. About half the places I've talked to say "Come see me when you're out of school." gee thanks. But if all else fails, I have a meeting with the school district on Sept. 11th to be a sub for the semester, til I finish school. I have also been slacking on my weight loss so I've really got to get back on it this week. I've been thinking about checking out the 30DS.

Ok well that's really all I've got for now. Wow our life is pretty boring, huh? I promise, I will *try* to be a better blogger...

Results are in!

This is going to be long... just a warning.

Yesterday was crazy! I thought I had a 10:30 am appointment with my RE to get our results but someone screwed up and scheduled me at the wrong office. So I had to go to the main office at 3:45 as a work-in and wait... I didn't actually get to see my RE until 5:40pm. But she was very apologetic for the mix-up (and the wait)... I really like her! And we will call her Dr. S now...

We will start with Curtis' S/A... everything was perfect! 97 million/ml, 4% abnormal.... everything is good with him. So now me - my HSG was all clear but my BW is where the results really came from. My cholesterol is a little high, TSH was normal... testosterone was high, LH and FSH are backwards - all consistent with PCOS. My insulin was pretty good though.

So now the plan: Well first, she gave me some prenatal samples because my PNV was making me sick. Dr. S wants me to start metformin this week... 2 pills twice a day but starting it in steps (start with one pill and increase weekly until I'm up to 4 pills). After one FULL cycle of met, we will start clomid. Dr. S is starting me on 50mg twice a day for 5 days, days 3-7. She wants me to have an "early cycle u/s" and another u/s about CD 14-17 (possibly another 5-7 days later if we don't see anything on the CD14-17 one). Depending on follicle development, I may get an injection of Ovidrel to help the egg along. If nothing happens, we will increase the dose. I will also start OPKs during all this and continue charting.

Dr. S said my egg reserve is very good and I'm at a pretty high risk for ovarian hyperstimulation so she is going to monitor me pretty closely. I'm still pretty optimistic and beyond thrilled to have a real plan!

Hm... I don't think I left anything out. Oh, other than the fact that Dr. S hugged me when I got ready to leave... totally random and caught me off guard! lol

I can't even think of a title...

That's how bored I am tonight. I've gotten too used to being in school but I didn't have class tonight (and may not tomorrow either). It's a nice little break but I'm not used to being home all day and all night... this is weird.

Anyway, moving on. There isn't much going on these days... we finished all our testing and are just waiting on our follow-up. We go in Monday, Aug 3rd to get all our results and figure out where we are headed next in our journey. I finally quit smoking completely and have been averaging about 2-3 caffeinated drinks a week. I don't really crave sweet tea anymore... I want water more and more but my weight loss is kinda slacking. I got rid of the smoking so now I will focus more on my diet and loosing the weight.

I am anxious for the next step.

2 in a row

Holy crap... 2 months in a row AF has shown on her own! And only at 34 days this time... yup that's right. I had a 34 day cycle with NO meds! I just can't believe it. Except the hag HAD to show when I was at the movies with nothing! So anyway... I began testing this cycle as planned. I had my CD3 fasting bloodwork today. Let me just put emphasis on the word FASTING... I am not a nice woman when I can't have anything to drink when I wake up, not to mention the fact that B/W on an empty stomach is not fun. I stood up and the room started spinning. But the nurse that did it was really good. She stuck me with a big needle first and the vein wasn't cooperating so she switched to a butterfly and got all 6 viles pretty quickly. Anyway, I will have my HSG Wednesday morning at 9:30 and I am extremely nervous about it! I have to be there at 8:30 to check in then my RE will perform the HSG about 9:30. Curtis is also making his deposit next week... he's not happy about it but he will live.

I did pretty well with my diet... I didn't stick to it 100% but I did well. In fact, I'm down 7 pounds since my RE appt on the 7th.

As for school... I finished my first class Monday and started #2 on Wednesday. 1 down, 6 to go. I currently have a 4.0 (made a 100 in the 1st class) and perfect attendance! YAY GO ME!

Time for a new me...

God willing, I smoked my last cigarette tonight. I've said this before and always cave and buy more but I did really well today (and all week for that matter). I need to be done... I've been saying this forever but all I can think about is how much money I'm blowing and the damage I'm doing to my body and our unborn children. It's time. I can do this and I will!

But that's not the only change I'm making. I am starting the South Beach Diet tomorrow morning... it sounds like it will be a difficult transition but something has to be done. I have about 30 pounds that I want to lose... and losing some weight will really help with the PCOS, thus only helping our chances of conception.

As of right now, all these major changes to my lifestyle seem impossible but I know they are not. It just takes some self control and motivation... 2 things I seem to have lost. As I said before, I CAN AND I WILL!

I'll keep you updated...

A long road...

Well we met with our RE this morning... she's great! I really think I'm going to like her... she was very upfront about everything and seems to know what she's talking about. The office is huge... once you get past the waiting area, it's like a giant maze! We sat in her office for about 25 minutes and talked about our history and all that fun stuff. Then she said "Well, I'm thinking PCOS but we are going to do an ultrasound and see what's going on"

The Diagnosis:
We went to the u/s room where she informed me we would be doing a vaginal u/s and I needed to strip from the waistdown and empty my bladder. The u/s wasn't bad... a little uncomfortable while she was trying to find what she was looking for. After she took the measurements she needed, she turned the screen around to show me my ovaries. I looked at the screen and she said "See, there are your ovaries. See those black spots? Those are cysts... what I'm looking at now is textbook PCOS." By the way, Curtis was in the room for all of this... he saw it all before I did.

The Treatment:
The plan is for me to end this cycle with Prometrium and start testing. I will have CD3 bloodwork done and an HSG shortly thereafter. Curtis is also going to have an S/A (semen analysis) done during the time I'm having my testing done (which he is THRILLED about lol). I was also instructed to make drastic changes to my diet to help the PCOS. Once the tests are all done, I will go back for another appointment with the doctor to go over the results and we will go from there. She said we will probably try Clomid again (with monitoring) and Metformin.

I was pretty much expecting PCOS... I have all the symptoms. But, hearing her say the words kinda felt like a slap in the face. I know it's treatable and we can still conceive and I'm glad we have a diagnosis but it doesn't make it any easier. I am happy to have a plan but I feel like this will be a long road to success.

Covered in ash...

That's the best way to describe my family when they got to my house yesterday afternoon. Yesterday started out like any normal Sunday... Curtis was at work and I was cleaning house... until I got a text from my younger sister. She wanted to come over (as usual) and when I told her she had to wait til I was done cleaning, her reply was "Well ok but our house is on fire" WHHHAAATTTT????!!

I began frantically trying to call my parents, who of course weren't answering because they are trying to put their house out. I finally got a hold of them and my dad confirmed that, yes, the house had caught on fire and my mom was bringing my 2 younger sisters, my little brother, and their dog to my house for the time being.

Apparently, the fire was caused by the grill falling over. We think when it fell over, the coals smoldered under the deck until they just couldn't take it anymore and went up in flames (they were still hot from grilling on the 4th). Yesterday afternoon my family was all sitting at home when they heard a loud bang that sounded like breaking glass. My dad went to check on my youngest brother and see if one of the other kids had knocked a picture of the wall. As he made his way back down the hallway, the hall smoke alarm went off. My dad opened his bedroom door and was smoke just came pouring out. He shut the door and ran around back while yelling at my mom that there was a fire. Dad started trying to put the fire out while mom got the kids out of the house and called 911. The breaking glass sound he heard was his bedroom window busting out from the fire. The fire department came and were able to put the fire out and kept it pretty well under control, but the fire was already making its way to the attic, which means in another 5 minutes, their house would've burned down. It did, however, burn all the electrical wires to the outside wall (the fire started right by the electrical box) so their gas and electric have been shut off until they get an electrician assess the damage and most likely rewire the house to prevent any accidents.

Because of the electrical stuff, the house is not liveable so they are staying with me for now. Well, everyone except my sisters and the dog, who are with other family.... my one bedroom apartment just is not big enough for the 6 of them AND their dog! lol. I love my family and I am very thankful everyone is ok. The scary reality is that had the fire happened an hour earlier or an hour later, I could've lost my parents yesterday. Everyone is ok... just a little shaken up. Hayden (the youngest) is probably the most freaked out... he keeps asking if the fire is out and was afraid my apartment was going to catch on fire last night.

Here are a few pictures of the damage... I could only take pics outside because I couldn't see inside since there was no power and it was almost dark outside.

This was the deck. The open window is my parents room

More of the deck and my parents room

This table used to sit on the deck under my parent's window.

Burned part of the deck

Wow... it's almost time!

And I have soooo many emotions running through me. The "time" I am referring to, as many of you know, is time for my trip to the RE. Only 2 full days stand between me and my quest for answers on this TTC journey. I am anxious and nervous and scared and just overall, optimisitc. After 2 long years of trying to become a mommy, I'm ready to find out what the hold up is and how to best proceed down this path. I love my husband more than I could ever explain and I'm ready to add to our family and I see the look in his eyes that says he is ready to be a daddy again. I've never been so sure about anything in my life as I am about wanting to be a mom.

Well enough about that... School is going really well. I am proud of myself and feel like this is finally where I belong. I can't believe my first class is almost over... only one more full week then it's on to the next class! I don't expect these next 6 months to be easy but it will be sooooo worth it in the end.

I hope everyone has had an amazing Independence Day! We had a pretty good night. Curtis had to work until 6, then we went to my parents for dinner and to watch fireworks. I will update sometime Tuesday (hopefully before school) as to the status of my doctor appoitment!

It takes work...

Well my first 2 weeks of school went well! Since I have had this all before, I feel like I am way ahead of the rest of the class... I have still been very busy studying and doing homework. And last night it paid off when I was a 100 on my first exam!

As for Curtis, he really has no idea how proud of him I am! Since going back to school, he has worked his butt off and it is paying off. His program is divided into 3 month quarters (instead of semesters). Once a new quarter starts, the school does an awards ceremony from the previous quarter and for the 2nd qtr in a row, Curtis has received Highest Honors and this time he got Perfect Attendance (which he should have gotten last time but he was 15 minutes late one day).

I don't expect this is to come easily and we are both working very hard. Going back to school has been an oppurtunity for a 2nd chance and fixing so many things we did wrong the first time around and we are taking full advantage of that.

In other news...

I am still waiting to O so no TTC update right now. My RE appointment is quickly approaching though! Curtis had a dentist appointment Wednesday for his bad tooth and it looks like he is going to have to have more work than we planned on. He goes back on the 6th to have the bad one pulled and we will go from there.

Things are very different around here lately. Our relationship has been stronger than it has been in a long time. We are working together more on things around the house and overall, we are just closer as a couple. Everything is finally starting to fall into place and I am very grateful for that!

Fresh start

After a 21 day LP and a 61 day cycle, AF came on her own yesterday. No medication needed!!! This is the first time in a year and a half I haven't had to take Provera to induce AF! I would have much rather had a BFP but this is good too... So I will continue to take Vitex and will be trying Evening Primrose Oil and probably Pre-Seed this cycle, along with a possible BD marathon. I haven't decided completely yet though... I may just stick with the Vitex and see what the doctor has to say next month.

I had orientation for school last night and will be starting class Monday evening. My graduation date is March 16, 2010 WOOHOO! I am excited, nervous and anxious all at the same time mainly because I don't know what to expect from this program.

Curtis is doing well with balancing school and work... he ended up with all A's again last quarter! I am so proud of him!! He loves his job, which is a huge plus... T-Mobile has been a great company to work for thus far and they really seem to take care of their employees!

Everything is going pretty well here... our fingers are crossed for a March/April baby!

BFP or AF

Either will do at this point... I would LOVE to have a BFP (of course) but hey, if AF wants to come on her own, I won't bitch. It's been over a year since I've had a non-Provera induced AF so to get her on my own would be a blessing. FF says I am now 17 DPO and I have 3 BFNs to show for it. I'm done testing for now... I'll probably test a couple more times before my doctor's appointment next month if I don't get AF before then but hopefully, she will show up! I've decided to stop obsessing over this (well I'm trying) and see what the RE has to say.

I will be starting school at Texas School of Business next Monday (woohoo!) and Curtis goes back to school this week. Between his work schedule, school for both of us and me babysitting, it's going to be pretty tiring around here but all very worth it! We still aren't sure when (or if) we will get the kids this summer... I'm pretty upset about that. I miss the boys soooo much!!

Emotional Rollercoaster

I'm a mess! For the last week, I have been an emotional mess... I go from being perfectly happy to pissed off to upset and back to pissed off in about 5 minutes. I don't know what's going on but it's really exhausting! Poor Curtis... he is trying so hard to be patient with me but I know this is wearing on him quickly. I feel so bad but I don't know what to do. =(

I tested Thursday morning - BFN but FF moved my CHs so now I'm only 9DPO instead of 14 so we will see what happens. If my temps stay up, I plan to test again probably Tuesday (12DPO). Tuesday is also my late Papaw's birthday... maybe I can give him a happy birthday present... or he will give me one (depending on how you look at it). I know he is watching out for me... I miss him sooooo very much! Ok not sure I got on that tangent but back to reality. I have been having quite a few symptoms but who knows... my body may just be playing tricks on me. If that's the case, it can stop anytime now!

8DPO

And BF-freakin-N! I knew it would be... I'm so used to only seeing one line, I was prepared for it. I still had hope... I have been having some really weird feelings ine my ute area for the last couple days. I know I'm not out until AF actually shows so we will see what happens... I will just be happy if she does show. I have an appointment with an RE coming up soon so even if I don't get a BFP, maybe will know what's going on soon!

In other news, Curtis' new job is going great!! He really enjoys it so that makes it that much better! The store he will be at finally opened today so he has been working like crazy the last 2 days to get it set up and ready but for some reason, their internet isn't working so they still can't function. They are at a kiosk in the mall and there is another store on the other side of the mall so they are sending customers to that store for now so the company isn't losing business. I just think it's stupid that they are "open" when they can't funtion... whatever I'm just glad he's working!

Where are you July?

Yes I am looking forward to July already... I have an RE appointment July 7th at 11am!! I am excited/anxious... I went ahead and made the appointment today and I'm glad I did. When I called, the lady told me the next available appointment wasn't until June 15th! We are waiting on insurance now... that's why I made the appointment so far out but I would not have been a happy camper to have to wait a month longer! lol I am just sooooo ready to get some answers because my chart sure as hell isn't providing any.... it looks like a trainwreck! I think Curtis is a little freaked out by all this though... we have talked about it but now that it's happening, he doesn't know what to expect. Plus, he has never had to go down this road so I think it weirds him out a little.

His new job is going GREAT! The benefits are amazing and he really seems to like it there! One of our friends from AR came to visit last week and we had a really good time but he did not want to go back home last night... poor guy! We did find out we won't be getting the boys this summer as planned... really long story but in short, Curtis' ex-wife is just being a bitch as usual. I feel so bad for Curtis... he is so upset about it but trying not to show it. Hopefully, come next April this won't be an issue anymore.

Otherwise, there isn't much going on around here... just trying to get back to normal (whatever normal is).

Maybe...

Curtis started his new job today at T-Mobile today!!!! WOOHOO!! There hasn't been much going on around here... just trying to get back to some sort of normalcy. We should have insurance soon so I can go back to the doctor and try to figure out WTH is going on with my body!

Well, that's about it.. we have company this week so I still probably won't update much so until next time...

Tick, tock, tick, tock

It's just been a waiting game this week... we know Curtis got his job at T-Mobile, we know where he will be working, we just don't know WHEN he will start. I wish they would hurry up! We need to get this ball rolling already!

I do have an interview tomorrow for an executive assistant position! My fingers are crossed... and my toes lol. This job would be great for us until I get out of school but I am a little concerned about my chances of getting it. I will only be in school 7 months and want to be able to move on to a job in my field when I get out and the position I am interviewing for is a permenant kind of job. I plan to go in there and give it all I've got and hope and pray for the best!

School has been insane this week with finals! Friday was my Microbiology lab final and this Friday is the class final. I also have an A&P lab final this week, the class final next Monday, then my Psychology final Thursday... then it's over! Whew this year is flying by! I can't wait until June when we get the kiddos! I miss them sooooo much!

We aren't even talking about my chart... it's on crack or something. I have no idea what's going on with my body and it's driving me insane!

Well after spending all afternoon cleaning our apartment, I'm exhausted and have a headache so I'm going to watch a movie and relax!

Nothing to see...

Yea it's been pretty boring in the P household here lately. Curtis and I went to shoot today and I actually hit the target... there's an idea! LOL I've never been good with aim and the "range officer" reminded me of that today. Jerk. We are still waiting on an update from T-Mobile to let Curtis know which store he will be working at... I hate the waiting game.

I am getting back on the diet wagon Monday... I fell off and I'm ready to get back on and get some results! The semester is ALMOST over... only 3 more weeks! Then I get a short break and it's back to school for 8 months. Oh and my body still hates me... I'm hoping todays obnoxious dip was an O dip. Only time will tell.

There has been a new development with the kids this week which I won't get into but it looks like the plan is to start fighting for custody as soon as our lease it up and we can get into a house. Wish us luck! Well that's all I've got for now...

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US!!!

Yup that's right. Today, Curtis and I have been married one whole year. Holy crap!!! Where the hell has this year gone? I love him so much! We aren't doing anything today. The weather is nasty and we are both enjoying a quiet Saturday at home. We haven't decided if we are going out to eat or if we are going to cook together... I guess we should lol.

I know - it has been 10 days since my last update. Where the hell have I been, right? BUSY! Last weekend, FIL was here and it was Easter. Monday night I had a test, Tuesday FIL left and I had another test. Now we are getting ready for finals time... that much closer to starting the program at TSB! WOOHOO! Oh and for those that were wondering, we sold the motorcycle.

Curtis got the job at T-Mobile!!! He got an email that basically said he would have an official offer next week because they are trying to decide which store to put him at because they have hired a bunch of new people for a bunch of stores in the area. I don't really care... when does he start? LOL We are very excited! It's about time some good luck came our way!

My chart is on crack. Not even joking... I decided to merge the 2 cycles together after I decided that weird bleeding spell was midcycle bleeding. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I'm still new at this. I'm optimistic for now... Merging the cycles still didn't give me CHs but based on when I'm almost 100% sure I O'd, I'm 7DPO today. I'm trying to hold out until the 25th to test... too bad my "phantom symptoms" are getting the best of me sometimes. I keep questioning every little thing based on all the BFP symptoms I've heard... I know, I know better but I can't help it. We shall see next week....

I will try to be better about updating this week...

Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Yup today was my 22nd birthday! The day was much better than I thought it was going to be. Originally, Curtis was supposed to work but he got sent home early so I was happy. I was supposed to have lunch with my mom but my aunt conned her into babysitting so she gave me money and me and Curtis went to eat and had the most AMAZING lunch! Thanks mom! Then we went to walk around the mall for a while and came home since we both had class tonight. Overall it was a very good day! Oh I forgot about my meltdown because I couldn't find my "Kiss Me, It's My Birthday" pin that I've had for 4 years... very sad time.

We decided the end of last week to sell our motorcycle so Monday I posted it on Ebay and Craiglist and have had so many hits off CL from it (none on Ebay though). We actually spoke to a guy today that is very serious about it and wants to get together Saturday to buy it so YAY!!!! Curtis has 2 job interviews tomorrow so our fingers and toes are crossed tight for good news from at least one of them!

My FIL will be here Saturday to spend the weekend with us so that should be fun... overall this week has already been MUCH better than last so I am hopeful for a positive turnaround. Well I'm outta here for tonight... until next time

Families can be a real PITA!

I knew our amazing weekend was too good to be true... thanks mom (and aunt and drama seeking friend). I won't go into great detail but basically somehow it got miscontrued that Curtis is inconveinced by my family. This is not at all the case but whatever. What's done is done and I will clean up the mess but I am also going to grow a spine and stand up to my mom. I have always let my mom tell me what to do and let her pull the guilt trip card so she could get her way and I'm done. I have a new family now and while I love my parents and will never ever push them away, it's time for them to understand that and they can respect it or not. I will be very upset if this puts a wedge between us but I'm not going to be taken advantage of anymore. Maybe I'm being rash but everything that happened today only happened because my mom thinks she can control everyone. I love my husband and he is right in this situation and I will stand behind that. My mom is going to have to understand that respect is a 2-way street and frankly I don't think she respects anyone but herself sometimes.

We had a great visit with new friends that I am very grateful for. I think we have built amazing friendships this weekend and I can't wait to see where it goes. Next weekend, my FIL will be here so that should be fun. This will be his first time here and it's my birthday weekend but after next weekend, I will be ready for a quiet weekend at home (with no company). I love having people to visit but 2 weekends in a row is almost pushing it! lol

Minus the family drama, things are great with me and Curtis. I think fell in love with him all over again this weekend... he has been so sweet and helpful and just overall amazing. He does have 2 interviews this week (which I think I've already mentioned) and we are praying with everything we've got in us that at least one of them pulls through. We could definitely use some good luck and some pick-me-up... Oh and after failing miserably with our diet this last week (and especially this weekend), it's time to get back on track!! Until next time.....

I fell behind this week...

I haven't updated since Monday... what is wrong with me?! This week has been pretty boring. AF sucked horribly! I had the worst cramps and backache this week and I am attributing that to the m/c. My Vitex should be here any day now so I am hoping that will work. I am glad that AF was only here a full 5 days and wasn't all that heavy.

I did have a meltdown this afternoon when my BFF informed me that she might be pg with #3... it just stings to hear about and I had a "Why not me?!" moment. I wish them the best and I know when it is our time, God will bless us with a baby of our own.

Curtis has 2 interviews next week; one at UPS on Tuesday and one at T-Mobile (but I don't know what day). I am keeping everything crossed and praying at least one of them turns into a new job. Speaking of jobs, I am still waiting to hear back from Einsteins... if they don't call this weekend, I will call them Monday morning.

We have company this weekend so it will be pretty busy but I'll post an update as soon as I have one! A little prayer for some good luck would be much appreciated!!!!!

Never been so happy to see AF!

FINALLY! CD1! After 78 days, a full round of Provera and 4 more days of waiting, AF has arrived! I have never in my life been so happy to see blood! I will start temping tomorrow morning and have a chart to obsess over...

In other news, my "working interview" went well last night! I was supposed to be shadowing and ended up having my own section. My trainer said I should hear from someone in a couple days about my official start date. Curtis didn't do so well on his A+ test today and I feel so bad for him! He was confident and studied his butt off but he said the test was really hard. He will just have to study more and retake it.

Working Interview

(Mom, Dad, Curtis & Me)

I have a working/training interview tonight at the bar I interviewed at the other day before they make a final decision. Basically, they want to see how I work before they hire me. I have to be in at 8 and she said I should be done between 10 and 11. I am excited... we need some good news.

We went out last night for my mom's birthday... we had a good time but we drove WAAAAYYY to far to do it. My dad works in Conroe (about an hour and a half away) and that's where most of his friends are so they wanted to go there for my mom's b-day. It's just too far to go drink then have to drive home. Fortunately, we rode with my aunt and uncle and didn't have to drive. Despite the drive, most everyone had a great time which was the goal.

Curtis has been studying like crazy for this A+ test tomorrow... wish him luck! Otherwise, I'm just enjoying my Sunday - relaxing at home with Curtis until time for this training interview... I hope it goes well! Oh, and in case you were interested, still no sign of AF and I finished the Provera a few days ago... still waiting....

This is my mom, me and my aunt... we were all pretty intoxicated.