Friday, July 23, 2010

Getting somewhere...

Wow it has been one hell of a week!

We finally decided it's time for me to get some help with this depression and anxiety I've been battling for the last few years. It was getting out of control. The symptoms first arose when my 14 month old cousin passed away... but I found other ways to deal. Then again when my Papaw died in 2005... I dealt with alcohol and WAY to much partying. The symptoms and overall worthless feelings have come and gone over the years but I've always been able to handle it on my own, one way or another. Then came moving, stress of not having a job, my stepsons unexpectedly moving in with us (not that I don't want them, because I do LOVE having them here), but I think the icing on the cake was losing our little one... that awful m/c in April. Since then, I've had my good days and my bad days but the bad FAR outweigh the good.

I started having more bad days and it was extremely hard for me to deal with it on my own. My husband, bless his heart, has tried everything in his arsenal to make me feel better but nothing seemed to be working and we were all very thankful for the few good days that came along. But, I was beginning to take out my agression on the children (never physically), and my husband, and everyone around us for that matter. I would just snap at every little thing and be pissed off for no reason or crying. Not cool... but I didn't know how to deal with it. I felt completely out of control of my own emotions.

So, I saw my awesome doctor on Wednesday and he was very understanding and willing to help. And scolded me for waiting so long to get help. We are trying Lexapro for the next 2 weeks to see how I do with it, then I go in for a follow-up. He also gave me a script for Xanax to help ease the anxiety.

2 days on the meds and I'm already starting to feel a little better. Overall today, I was in a pretty good mood but I also feel kinda blah so we will see how the next couple weeks go. I was scared to admit I needed help and my pride wouldn't let me ask for it, until I saw what it was doing to my most intimate relationships... I couldn't let that happen.

On a positive note, Curtis was offered a job today with an awesome company, pending a drug test, physical, and background check. He should start August 2nd... the company offers Day 1 benefits, which means I will finally be able to go back to the RE and get this ball rolling... again.

Sorry this turned out so long and thanks for reading!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Really, Ute?!

So excuse my complete bitch/whine-fest.

This has been one of the worst cycles ever. We had that false positive on Father's Day then BFNs after that... Fast forward to today. CD55 and still no AF so I tested again... BFFN. And NO sign of AF... other than breaking out like a teenager, which is so not normal Pre-AF for me but then again what is normal for me? Honestly, I don't know how much more of this shit I can take. We have been trying for over 3 years now with 2 miscarriages and a whole shit-ton of BFNs...

Couple this with not being able to find a job and I feel like I have FAILURE tattooed across my forehead. I feel empty.

AND we found out this past weekend that in a couple weeks, the boys will be going back to live with their mother. Awesome. There isn't really anything we can do about it at this point... Yet another reason why I feel like a failure.

Ok I'm done... you were warned and if you made it all the way through that, thank you.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

We need more space!!

Once upon a time, there were only 2 Poulnotts living under one roof and we didn't need much space. Now there are 4. We NEED more space... this house is just not cutting it for the 4 (and someday 5) of us. So we have been on a mission. And it looks like we will be getting our bigger house soon... It's a 3 bedroom, 1 bath (my biggest problem with it) house with a shop AND shed. So, we should know more by the end of the week on our moving status.

I was introduced to this AMAZING craft blog ( and now have a huge crafting itch. I have a few projects in mind, thanks to this awesome site with very easy to follow tutorials :)

I don't have much else to update these days... AF still hasn't shown so IDK what's going on there. Until next time...